Do We Ever Really Move On?
Recently a friend asked a very fair question, one without an agenda or any reason to cause me pain...it was just a simple question:
"If your brother wanted to reestablish a relationship with you, how would you react?"
Simple question, easy answer, I would welcome him back into my life with open arms.
Of course it isn't nearly as simple as that, nothing ever is. My brother is never going to ask me to "take him back", so I'll never really have to face the possibility of dealing, face to face, with the man who caused me more pain than I ever thought bearable.
My brother and I have a very twisted, complicated history. I haven't actually seen him in more than 15 years. Our childhood experiences were horrific, and he was literally the reason I made it out, because I felt I was responsible for his survival. We did not escape unscathed, however; we both bear the emotional and psychological scars that physical, mental and sexual abuse leaves on victims.
I loved my baby brother more than life. He was beautiful, he was sensitive, he was sweet, he was shy, he was gentle. He was everything my father hated in a boy child. I stepped in front of all manner of weapons to save my brother from harm. I hid him, stole food for him, took beatings for him, lied for him, held him when he cried, picked him up when he fell. We were inseparable.
And then we weren't.
I left home on the day I turned 16. I was going to high school and couldn't take my brother with me. He couldn't deal with being left behind and all that entailed, and he turned to drugs.
We saw one another only sporadically in the ensuing years. I went to university, working several jobs and struggling to finish my four year programme in three years. My brother spiraled downward and ended up on the streets. I tried to help him, but he blamed me for most of his problems, and the only help he wanted from me was financial. I loved my brother, I loved him far too much to feed the habit that was killing him.
My brother eventually found help through a street youth ministry. He got clean and sober, and was encouraged to face his demons. I was one of those demons. He had a love/hate relationship with the person he remembered me to be. It embarrassed him that I had been his protector, it angered him that I made him "dependent" on me and then dumped him, he was furious that I hadn't failed without him.
And he had been convinced that I was evil because I was an admitted lesbian. I say "he had been convinced" because my little brother knew about and understood my sexuality from a very young age. It was a non-issue. The minute he became involved with his new "church", I was no longer a human being deserving of compassion, understanding, respect or love. I was a pariah.
This hurt, naturally. It hurt like hell. This boy, this man-child who I held at night while he sobbed and shivered and wet himself in stark terror now saw me as the enemy. I kept this boy alive, and he ripped my heart out.
I thought nothing could hurt more, but I was wrong. My brother married. He and his partner had three daughters, my nieces. After his first daughter was born, my brother held her up to a plexiglass window and told me to get a good look at her, since I would never see her again. Lesbians are homosexuals, and homosexuals are pedophiles, and his child(ren) were never going to be put at risk.
I never did see my niece again, or her two sisters. I've not seen my brother or sister-in-law, either.
I'm fortunate that there are children in my life. I have a great friendship with a lovely young couple who recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. They allow me to be part of his life, and "Auntie" is a role I cherish. They know I would never, ever, upon pain of death, do anything to harm their son.
I would love to have my brother, sister-in-law and nieces in my life, but he's not going to make the move, and I just can't. As much as I would love to begin a relationship with these three young women I don't know, the past has me trapped.
Maybe when they become of age they will search me out. God knows I would welcome them with open arms.
"If your brother wanted to reestablish a relationship with you, how would you react?"
Simple question, easy answer, I would welcome him back into my life with open arms.
Of course it isn't nearly as simple as that, nothing ever is. My brother is never going to ask me to "take him back", so I'll never really have to face the possibility of dealing, face to face, with the man who caused me more pain than I ever thought bearable.
My brother and I have a very twisted, complicated history. I haven't actually seen him in more than 15 years. Our childhood experiences were horrific, and he was literally the reason I made it out, because I felt I was responsible for his survival. We did not escape unscathed, however; we both bear the emotional and psychological scars that physical, mental and sexual abuse leaves on victims.
I loved my baby brother more than life. He was beautiful, he was sensitive, he was sweet, he was shy, he was gentle. He was everything my father hated in a boy child. I stepped in front of all manner of weapons to save my brother from harm. I hid him, stole food for him, took beatings for him, lied for him, held him when he cried, picked him up when he fell. We were inseparable.
And then we weren't.
I left home on the day I turned 16. I was going to high school and couldn't take my brother with me. He couldn't deal with being left behind and all that entailed, and he turned to drugs.
We saw one another only sporadically in the ensuing years. I went to university, working several jobs and struggling to finish my four year programme in three years. My brother spiraled downward and ended up on the streets. I tried to help him, but he blamed me for most of his problems, and the only help he wanted from me was financial. I loved my brother, I loved him far too much to feed the habit that was killing him.
My brother eventually found help through a street youth ministry. He got clean and sober, and was encouraged to face his demons. I was one of those demons. He had a love/hate relationship with the person he remembered me to be. It embarrassed him that I had been his protector, it angered him that I made him "dependent" on me and then dumped him, he was furious that I hadn't failed without him.
And he had been convinced that I was evil because I was an admitted lesbian. I say "he had been convinced" because my little brother knew about and understood my sexuality from a very young age. It was a non-issue. The minute he became involved with his new "church", I was no longer a human being deserving of compassion, understanding, respect or love. I was a pariah.
This hurt, naturally. It hurt like hell. This boy, this man-child who I held at night while he sobbed and shivered and wet himself in stark terror now saw me as the enemy. I kept this boy alive, and he ripped my heart out.
I thought nothing could hurt more, but I was wrong. My brother married. He and his partner had three daughters, my nieces. After his first daughter was born, my brother held her up to a plexiglass window and told me to get a good look at her, since I would never see her again. Lesbians are homosexuals, and homosexuals are pedophiles, and his child(ren) were never going to be put at risk.
I never did see my niece again, or her two sisters. I've not seen my brother or sister-in-law, either.
I'm fortunate that there are children in my life. I have a great friendship with a lovely young couple who recently gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. They allow me to be part of his life, and "Auntie" is a role I cherish. They know I would never, ever, upon pain of death, do anything to harm their son.
I would love to have my brother, sister-in-law and nieces in my life, but he's not going to make the move, and I just can't. As much as I would love to begin a relationship with these three young women I don't know, the past has me trapped.
Maybe when they become of age they will search me out. God knows I would welcome them with open arms.
posted by Alphamutt at 2:27 AM
1 Comments:
Your brothers children would be so lucky to be able to call you Auntie; I know our little boy sure is. We are very lucky to have you in our lives as my friend and my little boys Auntie Deb.
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