Sage Needs A Family.

We have an awesome little husky/shiba inu cross at the shelter who is very deserving of a home of her own. She's been with us for far too long, and I simply cannot understand why. She's adorable, sweet, a nice size and smart. Did I mention she was adorable? And sweet?

If anyone is looking for a companion, Sage is ready, willing and able. Please think about adopting a rescue dog, you won't regret it.

It's Snow, People, Get Over It!

God! It may, or may not, snow in or near Vancouver tonight and/or tomorrow, and one would think the end of the world is upon us. There could be a blizzard warning in the Sahara at high noon in July and there would be less nattering and hand-wringing. This is Canada, it's January, it snows. Helloooooo, snow isn't news, it's weather!

So, drive carefully, try to avoid the half-fat, no foam, triple shot Latte drinkers and the cell phone using and make-up applying or shaving putzes with summer tires on their SUVs who can't drive in the summer or the winter, and enjoy the chaos. Isn't life on the Left Coast fun?

I Hate Being Cold!!

Okay, so losing weight has few downsides. One is that I'm getting cold. Me, shorts and tee shirt 24/7/365 Dyke, now has goosebumps all the time. I've purchased pants! Ugh! I don't do pants, I feel weird wearing them.

Oh well, the upsides outweigh the one negative. I feel good (especially now that Angelina and I have chosen to follow a vegetarian diet), and I already see many benefits to my physical and mental health, plus, I need new clothes, and it's actually becoming fun to shop!

I know, who the hell is this person, and what has she done with Deb? Don't worry, this will not become My Happy Diet Blog....that would drive even me insane.

Back to my cottage cheese and apricots.

Falling In Love With Kiefer, All Over Again.

My beautiful Newfoundland dog, Kiefer, has been undergoing a metamorphosis over the past seven or eight months. With the deaths of all of my other "big dogs", Kiefer has become a very central part of my world. Kief has always been a wonderful dog...sweet, loyal, funny and adorable, but he always seemed to let another dog take centre stage. MacKenzie had such a huge personality (and so many difficult issues) that she was almost always the focus of my attention. Tucker was extremely needy and demanding, Kirby was just Kirby, the epicenter of my world, and Madison grew more and more desperate and helpless as she grew old, requiring a great deal of hands-on care. Throughout his entire life with us, Kiefer has not been a dog who asked for much. The normal things, yes, affection, attention, exercise, food, water, vet care, grooming...but he didn't ever seem to yearn for more.

Now that Kiefer is my one and only big dog, he seems to have realized, without me asking it of him, that I need a certain kind of dog in my world. He is nearby almost all the time. He is interactive, more affectionate, totally loyal and very soft and gentle. He is more playful and outgoing, less reserved. He's a stereotypical Newfoundland, his characteristics are the very reason I have always adored this breed. Kiefer would never hurt anyone, is sensitive to the pain of his person, and wants nothing more than to please.

I am so very lucky that my friend Dana brought this stunningly wonderful boy into my life over three years ago. Sharing his life is a true gift, and I appreciate his presence more than words can express. To know Kiefer is to love him, and I love him truly, madly, deeply.

Resolution.

It's unlike me to make New Years' resolutions. I generally view the activity as simply setting myself up for failure. This year, however; I have made a resolution, well more of a promise to myself really, I am finally taking total responsibility for my own health.

My doctors...all of them, will be happy to see the end of a patient who has been consistently passive in her care. It's simple, it was easy, I just let things happen and then wondered why nothing ever changed. Nothing changed because I didn't care.

Then Multiple Sclerosis happened. Even with that diagnosis I really ignored the ways that self care and patient education could eliminate, or at least minimize, some of the issues that I faced while living with this disease.

I know a lot of people who are suffering with horrific illnesses that are making each day a living hell, or are going to kill them prematurely, often after great suffering. I also know that most of these people are fighting to stay as healthy as possible for as long as possible. They don't sit back and piss and moan. They act, they challenge, they discover.

I've long since known that there are some simple ways I could alleviate many of my symptoms....the fatigue, the pressure on my joints, the aching muscles, the forgetfulness. My body carries far too much weight, punishing my knees, especially. I don't get nearly as much exercise as I should, especially since the dogs in my life started dying....I lost all motivation. My physical health, mental health and spiritual health took a huge hit when our family was decimated, but the truth is I never really took responsibility for my own well being, ever.

Until now. I am losing weight steadily, in a healthy way that feels good for a variety of reasons. About 70 lbs so far, through smarter eating and more exercise, which gets easier and more enjoyable with every pound shed. I have energy, I'm requiring much less sleep, my body is no longer craving rest just to survive. I'm now making lists of chores I want to complete during my extra waking hours, and I'm getting them done.

I'm not on any program, I don't buy pre-made meals, go to weigh-ins or meetings. I'm eating foods that nourish my body, and I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm not. It's working for me, I have a built in reward system.

I'm not suggesting anyone else can or should do what I'm doing. This is personal, I'm doing this for me, for my own self care. I'm 46 years old and do not want to waste another day....I am fortunate that my disease has not progressed to a point where I can't do something to help myself.

I wish everyone I know who suffers a chronic or terminal illness could make things more bearable so easily.

Letting Go? I Can't.

Our family faced five devastating losses between fall 2009 and winter 2010. The pain began with the death of my "wild-child" MacKenzie in October 09, and followed with goofy, happy Tucker, magical, lovely, damaged Gemma-Joy, my sweet, beautiful, gentle Kirby and ending with our sad-eyed, strong-willed, gorgeous Madison.

There really are no words. Our home is not the same. I look for my missing loved ones constantly, sometimes I'm certain I hear MacKenzie crying or Tucker baying. I see shadows and for fleeting, heartbreaking moments I think maybe this has just been the most horrific nightmare I've ever suffered. Then reality takes over and I realize that the nightmare continues.

I am often reminded, by well-meaning but misguided friends (or people who never were and never will be friends, but who believe their opinions mean something) that we still have six dogs who need us. As if I don't know that. All I think about is how much Kiefer, Piper, Molly, Clio, Zoe and Sawyer need us, and how much I need them. What I don't understand is how anyone can believe that the dogs I love can fill the gaping hole left by those loved and lost. Dogs are not interchangeable, they are unique, sentient beings who bring qualities totally their own to relationships. They each leave us with special, priceless memories, but they also rip out distinct parts of our souls, parts that cannot be replaced, not by anyone.

Kenzie-Dog, Tucker-Mucker, Gemmie, Kirbles, Maddie: I hope to God you are all safe, healthy, happy, free from fear, loneliness, and pain, wherever you are. When I find you again, when we are reunited, I'll feel that way,too.

365 Blog Posts In 365 Days. Welcome To 2011.

I haven't blogged with any consistency for a long time....too long, really; getting thoughts out of my head and into a blog is healthy for me.

There are so many topics to cover, from the ridiculous to the sublime. Hatred, love, peace, war, heartbreak, miracles, acts of great courage, acts of utter cowardice, heroes, villains, hope, despair, strength, weakness, grace, vulgarity, hubris, earnestness, violence, gentleness....all that with which the world spins, seemingly out of control sometimes.

My blog is purposefully provocative most of the time. I attract strong reactions, often very negative, sometimes violent, from those who stumble upon the words I post. That's cool with me....if I want validation, love, respect and support, I'll get it from those who really know me, not random surfers who hide behind anonymity. It's all good, anything that causes people to think is worthwhile.

So, Happy New Year. Check in from time to time, maybe I'll elicit a laugh, a tear, a clenched jaw or fist. Maybe I can make someone act, or at least broaden a narrow belief.

Or maybe I'll just make myself happy by doing something I enjoy. Works for me.

Sometimes There Are Things More Important Than Blogs.

Sometimes those "things" aren't things at all.

My sweetie has just endured the week from hell. It followed last week, which was also a week from hell. Actually, January hasn't been kind to her at all.

It sucks.

So, instead of blogging, I am going to pull my lover away from her computer and give her a back rub and shoulder massage. This much stress is not good for her physical or mental health, and I can't do much to eliminate the stressors (would that I could), but I can let her know, through the warmth of touch, that I understand how hard things have been, and that we have to try to stay on top of it.

I love you, Babe. I hope things get better soon.