Fathers Day Without a Father.

It's painful to be a fatherless "child", of any age, on this Hallmark holiday. Whether a father was lost to death, is voluntarily or involuntarily absent, or was never there at all, there is a deep and bitter pain involved with witnessing the celebration of fathers when one's father is not around to be be enjoyed.

There are those of us who chose to distance ourselves from our fathers, those who lost touch, and those of us, like me, who severed all ties. I refer to it as amputation, it's a relationship that could never be repaired. Were he still alive, no situation or event would have compelled me to see him. He was dead to me long before he passed away. It was a choice I made; the only choice, given the history we shared, but still, on Fathers Day, my thoughts go to him.

And what could have been.

He could have been a good man. He could have been an honest, caring, loving husband to my mother. He could have been a gentle, nurturing, understanding father to his children. He could have chosen to overcome his addictions, he could have fought his demons. he could have tried to help himself.

He could have apologized. Just once.

He didn't. Instead he left a trail of destruction that still causes anger, fear and heartache, especially on Fathers Day, when people who did have and do have loving fathers celebrate their good fortune. Truth is I'm jealous.

Fathers Day is also a difficult one for fathers who have lost contact with their children. Whether these men abdicated their roles, were told by the courts that they were no longer worthy, or are prevented by circumstances of another type, it has to be tough to be a childless father on the day that celebrates all things paternal.

My heart breaks for children who don't know, have never known, and may never know their dads. Maybe they are lucky to be spared a horribly debilitating relationship in some cases, but most dads do their best, or are, at least, not willfully abusive, neglegent or evil. I think most fatherless children's lives would be enhanced if their dads were involved. Some women risk their lives and freedom to keep their children safe from their fathers, and those kids, of course, have far more at stake than feelings of loss on Fathers Day. Those mothers are heroes, giving up any chance of a normal life in order to protect their families.

Then there are the far less noble and self-sacrificing mothers.

Many women refer to their child's male parent as a sperm donor, which has to be devastating to a little kid. Not having a parent in one's life is bad enough, but having him reduced to a bodily function is cruel and unneccesary. Some women choose to seek revenge on their ex- partners by denying them access to their children. Who really suffers in those sad cases? That's a rhetorical question, of course...

There are millions of children all over the globe living in families headed by single mothers, and no doubt some of those kids are far better off never knowing their fathers. Their mothers do all they can to give them well rounded childhoods, including strong male role models. It may not be "perfect", but it can be very good.

Great fathers give their children a head start in life. Bad fathers can make survival an overwhelming challenge. People blessed with good fathers should be aware of how very sacred that relationship is, and how very fortunate they are.